I Feel I should be honest with you all

[BladeRunner919]

I feel that I should be honest with you all about the type of person that I am really am. I have been married for 13 years but some two years ago became depressed and started to push my wife , friends and family away , the more my wife who loved me very much tried to help me the more I pushed her away . She realised I was depressed and tried to talk to me about but I just got angry with her and made her life a misery . Then in my foggy depressed mind I decided that she no longer loved me or cared for me (despite her often begging me to talk to her and tell her what was wrong).

So I decided that as she did not love me (all in my mind) I would up and have an affair with someone on an equal emotional level to me, because lets face it then I could actually feel less bad about myself . I lied and I cheated for over a year and all the time my poor wife continued to love me and try to help me. But I knew best and obviously destroying and loving 16 year relationship with some sordid affair was the way to happiness for me .

Eventually after 18months of living with the horrible person I had become my poor wife begged me to talk to her and I calmly told her that I had been having an affair and did not love her anymore. I started to pack and foolish person that she is she begged me to stay and spend a whole day trying to help and support me and telling e how much she loved me and that we could get through this . This was after I spend most of the day blaming her for the way I was feeling .

So I agreed to stay and my lovely wife tried to be so strong for me , persuaded me that I should see a counsellor because obviously this was all about me poor old me . I felt a bit better for a while but then the depression dug back in and I started to treat her badly again and started to see the other woman again , I hated the cheating liar that I had become but what the hell as long as I was happy .

Despite the fact that I had cheated on her my Wife supported me made every effort to make me feel loved but no I needed to be happy so I walked out on her and left her to deal with all the crap while I moved in (on the same day) with the love of my life . Lets face it I need to be happy who cares who I crush on the way .

I then shut out all my friends and family because they dont understand me only Julie does . Except the happiness did not last I felt worse , but hey I dont want to deal with any guilt or anything so I just ran abroad a few times . All the time my poor wife who still believed in me tried to offer support even though I had broken her heart , so I leaned on her and kept being horrible to her and treating her like dirt .

So living in some crappy box house in Bracknell was not really making me happy so I moved into a room on my own because I needed to have space , once again this is all about me , we dont need to worry about anyone elses feelings in all of this , certainly not the wife who has supported and put up with me for so many years no this is all about me I am depressed and screw the rest of the world. But hey if I cant be happy then nobody else should be so I started to move towards my wife again just giving some little scraps to cling onto , I let her support me and tell me how much she loved me . I let her have some hope that things could be okay .

Then one of our beloved pets died and it send my right of the edge , again my wife who loved that pet put aside her own feelings and supported me . Then I decided I needed some space and got myself on some medication . My poor stupid wife believed me when I said I needed space when all the time I was carrying on the sordid little affair that has so royally screwed up my life .

So tonight I put her out of her misery and calmly told her with no emotion that I loved Julie and want to be with her , and that out 16 years together are over and that we need to sort out the house and such , I have to be horrible to her in case she thinks there is a slight chance that I might change my mind . I have to do this for me after all what is she to me oh thats it she is the loving wife who cared for me for 16 years only for me to rip out her heart .

I am sure I will be happy in my new life . I just cant get rid of this nagging feeling that since I met Julie my life has turned to **** but never mind as long as I am happy for now .

Danny

[Badman gee]

I sympathise with your wife.

Poor girl.

But I've had depression and it is not nice at all.

It doesn't choose who it affects, rich, poor etc.

[TitanTim]

Depression is a very dark omen and makes you do all sorts of irrational things.

I had a friend once whom I thought I knew so well, however he was suffering from severe depression but hid it incredibly well until he turned a electric saw on himself. The shock was an understatement.

I sympathise for you and all who know you but the only recourse is medication and prefessional therapy, no-one can make you happy or your thinking that someone can when you have this illness.

Tim.

[pedro20001]

yikes, I thought my life was complicated

[Del]

It’s not unusual to get to a certain age and to feel depressed about one’s career or family life in general. It’s very common in today’s hectic, rat race. There is plenty of professional help available – somebody to use and a sounding board.

It was probably a mid life (late) crisis that caused me to buy my Z3 I always appreciate your technical input on the forum – even if you do tell me off for not using the proper INPA diagnostic software.

[Badman gee]

I'm afraid , unless you pay private the waiting lists are huge.

They want to ship you in and out as quick as possible.

Been there and seen it.

Not enough time and money is spent on this and other conditions.

People don't really care much.

Seen it on numerous occasions.

[Southernboy]

Hi Blades..
That is so sad...It's not uncommon, but hit's hard when it happens to someone one knows..even at a distance. I'm sure you've had all the advice you can stomach and then some...I can only say that you need professional help...a new life will not change who you are, and who you are is what those who know you love and trust. You quite likely have mates who will still be there for you, and certainly a wife and family who seem to believe in you. It may be "unfashionable" in these times to talk of having a faith, but without preaching, I believe that without some form of "belief" life doesn't have real meaning. Depression is a treatable affliction on both a physical and psychological level...but you will need freinds and family who believe in you even though you don't believe in yourself much...that's the place you call home, and it's the place your family and freinds have called home, and you're a part of that. Whatever you choose, you take yourself along with you, with all your strengths and weaknesses and all that it implies.

[Ferdinand]

Hi Danny,

Sorry to hear about your problems - sounds like you need help asap.

People med depressions, mental problems etc. tend to keep to themselves - and doing so make their problems even worse... They need to get out, exercise, talk to professionals and also people in generel.

I don't have a cure - but will recommend that you should try reading: Russ Harris: The Happiness Trap....

[BladeRunner919]

Thank you all for your compassion , it saddens me that I am unable to show any compassion or remorse for how I have treated my Wife and that I can so easily seem to throw away something that was so good for so long and treat someone who has always loved me so badly . That I can continue to hurt her over and over again , I must hate myself so much to treat her like this

I feel I must be dead inside to be like this and wonder if my feelings for the other woman are real or just some crazy addiction and another attempt to run from my own problems . Someone said to me that is it not possible to love another until you can learn to love yourself , maybe that is true .

Maybe one day I will wake up and realise what I have thrown away but by then it it will be to late , everybody that loved me and supported me will have be driven away by me . I am seeing a counsellor and taking medication but I continue to hurt people .

[Ferdinand]

Hi again Danny,

First and foremost, I have great respect for you telling us what's going on in your life... My guess is, that you must have thought a lot about it before you sat down writing this...
I think you should try to find out what happened since you got depressed in the first place - and why it "came back"?

feelings for the other woman are real or just some crazy addiction and another attempt to run from my own problems . Someone said to me that is it not possible to love another until you can learn to love yourself , maybe that is true .

Let me start with your last sentence... Yes it is true! You have to love yourself for better and worse. Without you believing in yourself, well who should/ could believe in you?? Trying to run from problems by finding new areas of interest doesn't work in the long run.... mental problems have a nasty habit of "finding you again".

Maybe one day I will wake up and realise what I have thrown away but by then it it will be to late , everybody that loved me and supported me will have be driven away by me . I am seeing a counsellor and taking medication but I continue to hurt people .

Have you pushed everyone away? What about an old friend or a close family member? I know your wife is family, but she's perhaps emotionally from hers and your perspective "too close" to you right now, when you are at this point. If she still loves after what you've done, then there's no reason for you to feel guilty - instead you work on getting better. In my belief, you moving together with Julie won't do any good at all for you - or her for that matter - how much about all this does Julie know?? Does she know what's going on in your life?

If you want to get away from your wife - that's ok, but start by getting your own place - and get in contact with some of your old "mates" - if they're real friends, they'll help and understand you! What about your job? Is everything ok there?

I hope you don't find my questions offensive or intrusive - I work with people every day, with all kind of physical and mental diseasess, and my experience is, that "outsiders" often see problems faster than then people that are right in the middle of them...